Brain Scramble

CurlsJuly 18, 2018

It’s been a complicated and frazzled week setting up my new laptop. On my own. Absolutely no technical help. It’s been a hit-and-miss process, but I’ve almost figured it out. I’m quite proud of myself, although I’m still trying to access my second email. Supposedly a simple process, but not for me.

It’s also been a year since I began plowing through A Course in Miracles, which has further scrambled this old brain of mine. Both challenges have kept me on my thinking toes. Maybe it will help keep me from succumbing to Alzheimer’s.


Hint of Unhappiness

The following was my written response to a former nun friend, who recently commented that she hoped she hadn’t detected a “hint” of unhappiness in what I had written her.


My response:

“Of course, and for reasons not unlike your own, I sometimes feel as if I don’t belong on this earth. Followed by an immediate sense of guilt because, to all outward appearance, I have nothing about which to complain.

I’m blessed with caring friends, relatively satisfying—though often distant–family connections, more than adequate provision of my basic material needs, and an abundance of enriching opportunities for learning and growth.

For these, I am deeply grateful.

Below the surface often hovers an unsatisfied yearning.

For something.  More.  The eternal.                                                                                              For what lies beyond.

Looking back, I would have described this broader sense of longing in my book. The underlying reason I felt “called” to the convent.

I certainly hadn’t recognize this spiritual unrest as a child, but simply longed for something beyond Marriage, Family, Children, Career.

The ways of nuns fascinated me. How they concealed themselves behind mysterious walls and deviated from the prevailing style within long black garbs. More  importantly–how they came together as one  within a world where everyone seems separate.

How intent they seemed on forging a communal way to what lies Beyond.

My communal dreams live on. Thus my marriage, various partnerings and joinings–all in attempt to find a way to come together–none lasting forever.

Community life is an art, demanding honesty, guts, and lots of give and take. A challenging blend of togetherness and solitude. The appeal remains strong.

So, yes, you’ve caught me being restless or unhappy.  When I persist in seeking happiness outside myself, and in the ordinary. Even within the ideal  community or  partnership, and within the most ideal personal and world-wide conditions, happiness can be elusive.

In the meantime, I concentrate on letting go, taking a deep breath, and trusting. . .

Myself and the Divine,





Momentary Enlightenment

Image result for black and white ant image

Today, I practice ACIM Lesson 124: Let me remember I am one with God.

As I close my eyes and attempt to concentrate on my oneness with the Divine during the recommended half hour meditation, my mind itches like a pocketful of ants.

Ego pesters, asking why I’m not “enlightened” by now. I’m long overdue for at least one small, tingling moment–a flash of light–a temporary out-of-body dangling, that would finally prove I’m making progress.

Somehow another Voice breaks through and assures me I’m already there—wherever it is I think I need be. Says I’m  already One-With.

Do the many shining moments (holy instants?) over my lifetime, wherein I feel slightly Cherished and On Board for  a Quick Glimpse of the Eternal, count for nothing? Perhaps I am on track.

Ants and all.



Grinning Orice

I’ve been studying A Course in Miracles (ACIM) for a few months now and now and have ventured out of my tightly woven and resistant  mind to accept that perhaps I’ve been walking with Spirit all along.

Years ago, I noticed a gentle Voice that sometimes whispers to me from the back of my mind. Although that’s not always the case. Once it startled me by shouting at me to SLOW DOWN. I’d been driving through the night, and automatically argued there was no reason to cut my speed. After all, there were no other cars on the road and I was going the speed limit.

Again it shouted SLOW DOWN. I reluctantly took my foot off the gas and coasted to a crawl. Barely in time to avoid a fallen tree directly ahead. Shaken, I pulled to the side of the road and took a deep breath, grateful that I had been spared.

The Voice remains respectfully soft and in the background. Seemingly absent for long periods of time. When it speaks, it sounds like me, which tempts me to disbelieve.

It is the voice of A Divine Me. The gentle One I deliberately call upon. I hold on to my doubts though, and wonder how I could deserve individual attention from the Divine. This one, piddly human among billions. I often resist and consider myself unworthy.

This is where the Course in Miracles (ACIM) kicks in. Without going into it now,

I think I can make it from here.

Me, Myself, and Ego

Powder puff self

“When you say “I”, it is ego speaking, not you. . .  It consists of thought and emotion, of a bundle of memories you identify with as “me and my story”. . .               

Eckhart Tolle









Only recently have I become more aware, conscious of, or awakened to the fact that this tortuous, non-stop, self-absorbed voice in my head belongs to Ego. I’ve known for years, and am one of a multitude of Seekers striving to free myself from it’s dominance. Eckhart Tolle’s book is one of many that refer to ego in a way that I can relate. Ego, however, is so deeply entrenched in the unconscious that it continues to dominate my mind without much of a hitch.

The wisdom of countless books, wise teachers, both contemporary and long gone, have referred to ego’s existence, pointing the way slowly and inevitably in the direction of awakening. After each pointer, however I linger in truth for a while, then revert to my unconscious ways again.

That my body is impermanent, I accept. That the earth with its goods and possessions is passing is a given. Otherwise, I would not have so tried to leave everything behind and become a nun.

Ditching the ego will continue to be a monumental challenge. However, through my recent discovery of  A Course in Miracles, I have begun to recognize dear ego more clearly.  My second round of Eckhart’s A New Earth has also helped, tipping me more frequently toward the ability to distinguish between the voice of ego and the voice of higher wisdom. A much appreciated relief!




“To recognize one’s own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transcendence.” Eckhart Tolle

Having recently discovered that Eckhart Tolle not only knows about, but also speaks highly of A Course in Miracles, I am going through A New Earth again.

With fresh eyes.

It is my hope that perhaps even during this lifetime I will awaken.

I’ve always had an ongoing and insatiable thirst for truth—for who and what and where.

For God.

For the who and what and where that I am in relationship to this ever-present, unimaginable, and seemingly illusive Source/Deity. It continues to be a long, interesting, and multi-faceted journey, dotted with surprising rewards and many seeming dead ends.

Ultimately, however, I believe that. . .

  • Every detail of my life has been a step toward, as well as an answer to, my lifelong search for the who and why and how.
  • Each person and happenstance has been an intervention of the Divine to point my way out of insanity’s grip, and toward the finding.
  • I am irrevocably joined with every other being–no matter how disgusting, horrific, or insane I perceive them to be
  • Everyone/thing is a projection of me.
  • We are One.
  • Until I learn to recognize, forgive, and embrace others (especially those most disgusting ), I will not recognize, forgive, or embrace myself. In all my un-gloriousness, yet basic godliness.
  • Not recognizing, forgiving, loving, and embracing is insanity–the continuance of madness–the very perpetuation of alienation/evil, horror, lack of love and forgiveness that I am trying to escape.
  • I will to reawaken more frequently–to the fact that we are–all of us–God.